Epic Mario Fails
by Luigified531
Summary: From 1st place to 8th in Mario Kart, to "The Princess is in another castle," these are the most embarassing, annoying, or downright dumb fails.
1. Super Daisy Kart 7

Mario Fails

A Mario Kart Story

Thank you Bookwormvideogamer13 for reviewing my last story, Happy Holidays again, you are very much appreciated. Also very special thanks to hypherlutz21, whom I forgot to give thanks to last time. I also give thanks to Daisyfan24 for reviewing too. Also to PnFfan101 for favoriting. This story is dedicated to the 4 of you. Please R&R.

Princess Daisy had been invited to race against her friends in a brand new racing tournament, the 7th of its kind.

Now she is looking back at this one time, filled with everlasting fun and joy, but also misfortune. At this moment she is preparing for the 8th of its kind. She has been asked to do an article by KMush (K for kingdom) Magazines. Here is her story. (Law and Order "duhdun goes off)

Princess Peach invited some of her closest friends, enemies, and representatives from the Mushroom Kingdom, Sarasaland, the Darklands, and other kingdoms. The Mushroom Kingdom was by far the most powerful, and as such, the majority of races are to be in the kingdom. Some, such as Bowser's Castle, or Daisy Hills (named after me, of course),are in other kingdoms, and others, like Rosalina's Ice World or Rainbow Road are OUT OF THIS WORLD! But really, they are.

This is the easiest way to have fun, well one of the easiest. I get to hang out with my friends and beat the snot out of my enemies. Recently I went back home to Sarasaland on a desperate crisis. This is why I am no longer unnaturally (well for me) pale. The crisis is long gone, but I'm not sure if I'll return to the MK, or stay in my own country. It's not like I do much there anyway. And I'll get to see my boyfriend, Luigi. We've been dating since Christmastime and our relationship is very smooth. Me, I'm preparing for the 1st race of the Mushroom Cup. Wish me luck!

3_- Prepare_

2_- Start your engine_

_1-Ready for it_

Green light- Start

I know it's gonna be a long, hard race when I start in 8th (piss-poor lottery if ya ask me), got a turbo boost, and ended up in 7th. As I look around and into my mirror, I realize the only person I'm in front of is the Honey Queen. Why would Peach invite her? I didn't even know they met, nonetheless were friends. Ahead of me lie Bowser, Koopa, Lakitu, Peach, Luigi, and Rosalina. People think we don't like each other, but we're great friends. She doesn't have a crush on Luigi, she had one, but now she doesn't. I think she likes, well, maybe, possibly, nah, I just don't think anyone has come around that would 'click' with her. She'll find love one day, I'm sure. Anyway…

A right turn was coming up, I drifted around it professionally, passing Bowser on the boost, grabbing an item box, and nearing Lakitu, who had fallen behind Koopa. In my mind I was thinking, _2 down 5 to go_' I have to say, though, for me passing people and throwing items aren't the most enjoyable part of the race.

Lap 2:

The suspense that follows after I grab an item, wondering what I'll get is a feeling I'll never forget. Is it a star? A mushroom, fire flower, blooper, Lucky 7, or just a plain old banana? I don't know until my wheel of racing fortune stops on something.

Luck seemed as though it was on my side when I got a Lucky 7. I had to wait for just the right time. 1st I threw my banana barely missing Lakitu to spin. "Dang it," I mumbled under my breath. Little did I know my next few items would be a crucial turning point in the race, in favor of me.

Next I used my blooper, creating confusion around the racers. Then, I threw my bomb into the center of a crowd consisting of Koopa, Lakitu, and Peach. I had a smirk on my face as I watched the chaos unfold.

Peach, being ever so smart, saw this coming, used her mushroom, and zipped by Luigi, putting herself in second, until he threw a red shell at her, knocking her back into the path of the bomb, and behind Koopa. Koopa, with an expertly aimed green shell, knocked Luigi into the path. Koopa and Luigi didn't realize that, by being aggressive, were putting themselves in harm's way, until it was too late. But, through the explosion, 2 remain.

_Man,_ I thought, _this is sweet. _ I took out 4 of my fiercest competitors at one time. Of course, things are not always what they seem, as I learned. Lakitu, whom I had underestimated, in fact overlooked, had used a star. "You idiot," I hissed at myself. "Arrrrrgh."

Of course, my current situation was not helped by the nearby announcer. "It appears Princess Daisy of Sarasaland, who as you all know is Princess Peach's best friend, has apparently not expected this turn of events." "That's right Bob, it appears she is angry at herself and rightfully so. She should have seen this coming." "Correctemungo, Tom, we will now go to Victoria for more information."

"Now racing fans, you may question how Princess Daisy may know about the star Lakitu had. Well to answer that very question I am standing here with world- famous rescuer, racer, tennis player, party thrower, doctor and senior advice consultant for Princess Peach, Mario." (Meanwhile, television sets are having difficulty showing all those talents on screen.) "Mr. Mario, in addition to the talents I have told, you have many, many more, is this correct?"

"Yes Ms. Victoria. In addition I am a world-famous golfer, soccer player, basketball player, negotiator, peacekeeper, volleyball player, and I'm excellent at dodgeball, among others. So what was this question of yours?"

"Well as we all know, you are a highly respected player in this sporting event; you know everything about these courses, but more importantly, the cars. So tell me, how do you know who holds what items?"

"Well, as you know each and every car is tailored to the racer's wants and needs, especially this season. Well, inside every car is a high-tech monitor which shows the ins and outs of every course, as well as where the racers are at any given moment. On the bottom-left half, a leaderboard shows who is in 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc., and what items they have. The only flaw is that items will not be shown if outside the car. So you may not know if a rival is packing an extra shell or 2, making the game a whole lot more fun."

"Well here you have it from the world-famous Mario and me, Victoria from the MRA (Mushroom Racing Association), now to our sponsors."

I was shocked at the turn of events, but I am gonna press on, come in 1st and win the trophy. I was determined to win, and nobody, not one person, was going to stop me. Sooo… I had 4 items left; a mushroom, a green shell, a red shell, and a star. I used my mushroom to pass Peach, Luigi, and Koopa, putting myself in a solid 3rd. A solid 3rd place was enough to claim 2nd place, get a medal, and be accepted into the finals. But, that wasn't good enough, not for me. I had to come in 1st. Maybe this was the attitude that got me into this mess. But if worst came, I could still get the bronze or silver. Even coming in 7th, I would have 3rd for sure, but if I came in 8th, I'd come in 4th overall, narrowly missing money, a medal, and a top spot. Heck, even if I came in 3rd overall, there was no way to get a top spot. So I continued on believing nothing was gonna stop me from 1st; sure I was cocky, but I was determined.

Soon, as I rounded the corner, I saw Lakitu, who had used all of his star power. Me, well, I hadn't noticed the banana behind he was holding behind himself, I was too busy making sure he didn't have one in his car. BIG mistake. I meant to throw the red shell, but used the green shell. That would be good, heck the red shell wouldn't be wasted, but the shell bounced off a wall, then another, then another, and then it hit me. How wonderful. (Yes that was sarcasm, and really obvious.) "Now I have to make up lost time, pass 2 people, stay ahead of Luigi (who was catching up) and…," my speech turned into an incoherent mumble that even I couldn't fully understand… Anyway I was just mad.

To regain my speed quickly I used my star. I cut through grass, dirt, mud, and enemies to cross the shortest distance in the shortest time. Heck, I even got a mushroom from a goomba. Now the only item I had left was a red shell. If I use it now, it'll surely crash into a banana; just then, a mischievous thought crept into my head. _If I use my shell now, I don't know where it'll hit, if it even does. But, if I use it in the air then I can take him out, knocking him waaaaaaaaay behind me. He won't even be a threat. But if he has another item, I'm screwed. Well on the bright side, I'll have another item soon. Hopefully… I've missed every box since the Lucky 7._

Lucky for me, I did get it. _Yes,_ I thought,_ I am awesome. And lucky! Not only did I get an item, but I got triple red shells._ As I was doing the happy dance in my head, something caught my attention;_ Aww crap, he got three bananas. Really? I won't have any extra shells to throw at Rose._ Just then I heard a blue shell whiz by._ Awesome! Lady luck is on my side, it seems, so I'm just gonna take advantage of this opportunity and drive on by… shoot myself into 1__st__._

So I threw red shell #1_, _which hit a banana, as did 2 and 3. But on 3 someone (aka Rosalina) fell behind and my stupid shell hit her. Shouting "I'm sorry," as I passed her I grumbled, "Stupid red shell." But being the Mary Sue as I have so far this race, I mean seriously….. Well at least I'm lucky, unlike some people (aka people that got blown up by me) or others (Rosalina). Anyways, being the Mary Sue that I've been so far this race, Lakitu cut a corner too tight and suddenly, I was in 1st. It was awesome, so awesome, I felt like telling the world how happy I was.

Meanwhile…

"Daisy is pulling ahead. Pulling, pulling, yep she's ahead! This is a miracle! The 1st time anyone who started an 8th came in 1st, heck, even 1st overall. Well Bob I mean this is the All-Cup Tour (Mushroom Cup course), but still. It has never been this close!"

"Well Tom, this was an extreme set of lucky events for Princess Daisy of Sarasaland. First, she got a LUCKY (emphasis on the word 'lucky) 7, blew up the people in front of her, has only been hit once."

"And that was her own item Tom," Victoria started. "Also, she got triple red shells, and now she has 4 bananas, 1 behind her. She is unstoppable!"

And indeed I was. I wasn't hit for the rest of the second lap and the whole of the 3rd… so far. The only substantial change was Rosalina's movement into 2nd. But that didn't startle me; I was way in 1st, nothing could hurt me, or so I thought. Suddenly a blue shell hit me from the side, knocking me into the grass. I could've recovered, but lightning hit me. By the time I recovered, there was no possible way to come in 1st. Rosalina was right beside me and going faster than me. "Stupid acceleration," I grumble to no one in particular. Then, as I got back onto the track, a Bullet Bill hit me, knocking me back into the grass. I saw my rankings slowly drop, and before I knew it I had come in 8th. No money, no medal, no place in the top spot during the finals, heck, I didn't even get top race in the finals. "GOD DA-"

"Daisy," the interviewer interrupted. "This is a magazine, kids read it."

"So?"

"No cussing! Rated K Daisy, rated K." (Maybe he broke the 4th wall maybe he didn't, but rumor has it, if you count how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, you will know. You will just know…)

Anyway I was furious. At least I got to watch the finals. By the way, Lakitu won.

I came up with this idea was I was mad at Mario Kart for doing this exact thing to me. Argh, I was so mad. CPUs are cheaters that only go after player 1. Has anyone else noticed that? By the way, Victoria, Bob, and Tom are Toads and I just made them up as space fillers/ announcers. Maybe OC's are better than I thought… They'll have a short part in every Mario Kart I do, because what a kart race without announcers? A no-cart race! Haha, they should put that on the back of a popsicle stick. Thanks for reading! Tell me if you want me to continue with a different oneshot, but more fails. Please Review!


	2. Super Smash Fail

Epic Mario Fails Chapter 2

A Smasher's Retreat

**Yeah, I know this technically isn't a Mario game, but all the main characters are Mario characters. So the characters are Luigi, Mario, Peach, and Yoshi. Luigi will be the main character of this fail, because he's just clumsy, and always falls at just the right time. Well not for me, but for my opponent it's just wonderful. Well anyways I think it's a great game sooo… I'm writing a story about it.**

**Many thanks to hypherlutz21, dragon19kyoshi, Scrappy-Fan92, Bookwormvideogamer13, Daisyfan24, Comadore gamer legend for favoriting and/or reviewing my latest stories. (Sorry if I forgot to thank you. please P.M. me if I did.) This chapter wouldn't have existed if it weren't for you guys! **

**Now for the story…**

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow is the day of the world-famous Smashers Tournament finale. There were 4 contestants, me (Luigi), Princess Peach, Mario, and Yoshi.

Peach used her legendary floating skills and parasol to avoid taking too much damage. If someone did get near she would kick, slap, or use Toad on them. She expertly wielded her tennis racket to knock people back, a frying pan to hit them to an easy-to KO position, and a golf club to finally KO them after they fell. She also used her magical heart powers to make you fall in love. Nah, just kidding diary, but weird magical hearts did come out of her… weird. Her most powerful attack would put you asleep as long as you weren't in the air. Apparently, one of the fans told reporters that it "lured you into her world." No, it didn't. Not one bit… instead, it pulled you into whatever you found hard or boring. Sooo… yeah, what a liar.

Mario may be the most well-balanced competitor playing the sport. He has always been one of my best friends and my best (only) brother. I really, really hate being in his shadow, but not enough to do anything stupid, like kill him. I read all these stories on some place called Fanfiction, and really diary, who would come up with that? Would you kill your brother, I think not. I have my own fan club, so I'm not always overlooked. He got here through fire, water, more fire, and his fists. Also, his most powerful attack is a large amount of fire that pushes you off the course.

Then there's Yoshi, everyone's favorite dinosaur. He's hard to beat, with his immense weight, egg-laying capabilities, and flutter jump. Now, if I'm really whaling on him, he'll find an opening and eat me. Then, when I'm trapped on the egg, he'll run away from me. Also, his kicks are immensely powerful and can send you flying sky-high. He got here through all those mentioned above. His strongest attack is a flying dragon that breathes fire and shoots fireballs at whoever attacks, or attacked, him.

Then there's me, Luigi. Shy, heroic yet overlooked, and mistaken for being emo or a maniac, yet I am constantly better at Mario in many things. For instance, I'm smarter, faster, smarter, more athletic, jump higher, and I'm more cautious than my elder brother. One of the only things he has on me is pure, brute strength. I got here from my incredible speed, agility, kicks, chops, and punches. As you know diary, my best attack is a negative/minus zone that hits all opponents within with many status effects and damage, and lets me KO them easily. It works great on small stages, but not so well on stages like New Pork City. Ehh… whatever, I'll get over it. Hopefully we'll play a small stage, or my favorite (though I'll never admit it) WarioWare Inc. Lucky, rich jerk.

From,

Luigi

Dear Diary,

Today's the day!  
>But for some strange reason, I don't feel too good. I don't feel sick, just unlucky. Maybe I should ask to postpone it for a day…<p>

Nah, I won't that'd be awfully selfish of me to ask. For what, a gut feeling, my horoscope, my heart? I don't even think Daisy's gonna be there…

Meanwhile in Sarasaland…

"DAISY!"

"WHAT DAD!"

My dad made his way into my room, feeling my temperature. For Sarasaland, my fair kingdom, had a bug traveling around. And, as a woman of the people, I had to go try to help, only to catch it myself. I hadn't felt good all morning, but I was determined to go.

"I don't think you should go, Daisy."

"Well I am, and I'm the only person who can say otherwise."

"Fine, just try not to get anyone sick."

"Ok dad. I won't."_ What kind of advice is that? Why did he tell me 'don't try to get anyone sick?' Like I'll really try, or have any way to prevent it. __

"Now who should I go for, Luigi or Peach…"

Back at Luigi's Mansion…

Dear Diary…

Well today is the day after the Smash Tournament. It shmucks… So let me tell you the whole story of yesterday, starting with my morning.

The night before last night I set my alarm to

_Late, late, late, late, gonna be late,_ I thought to myself. I was speeding down Mushroom 10, commonly known as MKWAY. _Of course I have to pick the busiest highway at rush hour. Well, I can see the stadium from here. Annnnnd of course, the po-po. _(AU: What does that even mean? Police police?) So here I am, even further delayed by my ticket_. I was going just as fast as everyone else, why'd they pull me over?_ This just shows how correct my gut feeling was.

Now in the parking lot, I had no place to park, which proved my theory even further. So I had to put my car next to Gooms-a-Million. Let's face it; I am L-A-T-E late. So of course, 10 minutes late, I walked right into the stadium and got multiple "boos." So I had to explain myself 1st, and then fight. _Yeah, I'm a reeeeal fan favorite. Way to ruin that one, Luigi._ _And of course Princess Peach is the favorite _(well duh, she's the princess).

Now it's time to pick a stage, so I chose WarioWare Inc. Mario picked Luigi's Mansion (ahh the irony), Yoshi picked Yoshi's Island (duh), and Peach picked Random. I watched intently as the wheel (Yeah, Peach got picked; wouldn't have guessed.) and it finally landed on WarioWare Inc. _YAY! They picked my favorite course! I'm surely going to do good._

So the stadium switched into one with a floor of blocks, gaps on both sides, and a drawing of a pig's face on the background. Right from the start, I noticed something was up. It was as if someone was controlling them… They attacked me straight from the get-go. I mean, usually we wait for like a minute or 2… or at least until the crowd started throwing random stuff at us. I didn't even have time to defend myself properly, so I went on offense. I wound up my, well body, spun around, and knocked all the people around away from me. Of course, it only worked temporarily, but at least now they're attacking each other too. But as much as I tried to stay out of it, I couldn't. How could I? These idiots keep on bringing me into the fray. Well at least we still have 5 lives, make that 4, Yoshi just got knocked out. Mario hit him with his deadly hand of flame.

At least I'm not dead yet… well that was quick mumble grumble Peach kick grumble mumble. On the bright side, everyone has 4 lives. Everyone is on their A-game; Peach and Toad, Mario, Yoshi, and well… me! I was being attacked once again and was trying to grab the replenishing heart, but guess who got it… Mario. Of course… He always got everything. Well not really, but I was still mad at that moment in time. So I charged up the Green Missile to shoot at him. Thing is, I overshot, missed above Mario, went below Peach, and Yoshi dodged me, soooo… I lost a life.

While I was sitting on the platform, awaiting my forced dropping into the arena again, Peach sneezed (or something like that) on Mario, sending him careening off the edge. Then Yoshi got a cheap shot from behind on Peach. Yeah shouldn't be gardening in a fight. Mario, always itching for a fight, jumped off the angelic platform and knocked Yoshi into the air. He went so far; he turned into a shooting star. Peach was done combing her hair and brushing imaginary dust off her dress.

Finally the platform dropped me, well disappeared from beneath me, and I had to fight. It scared me half to death!_ Soooo… Me vs. Peach vs. Mario vs. soon to be Yoshi. Great. Just great._ Sure enough, out pops our favorite egg-laying dinosaur. Now we're just sitting there, each of us with 3 more lives, waiting for another to strike when… An Assist Trophy pops out of nowhere (literally) and we all rush after it. Peach grabbed it!

_Oh no, not this time,_ I thought to myself. Before she fell to the ground and could use it, I chucked a barrel at her. Surprisingly it was filled with bombs! _Well that took care of everybody in the nearby vicinity. Plus she dropped the Assist Trophy! Awesome!_ So I grabbed it before anyone else could. I anticipated the arrival of my much-needed, and wanted, Assist Trophy._ What is it? What is it? What could it be?_

Suddenly, in a bright flash of light, my partner came out. I was astounded._ Well that's new…_

A lady who looked like an average American brunette woman came out and started repeating the same thing over and over and over again. "Head On. Apply directly to the forehead. Head On. Apply directly to the forehead. Head On. Apply directly to the forehead. Head On. Apply directly to the forehead. Head On. Apply directly to the forehead." Over and over and over again. _Well, at least I can't hear it. _(P.S. Yeah, someone told me what happened.)

It gave everyone such a headache, they either ran to her to buy some Head On (apply directly to the forehead), ran to kick and punch her, or lying on the ground, away from her, covering their ears. Their damage percent went continuously up until one easy punch, kick, or chop would KO them. Ahhhh, the wonders of a headache.

_Oh My Goodness. I'm winning! Awesome! 3 lives to 2 lives!_ "I, Luigi, will beat everyone!" Just then, a crate popped out of nowhere and killed me. "Really," I screamed at no one in particular. I could hear the snickering from behind me. "Hey! Shuddap man!"

So I jumped down, followed by everyone else, only to get stuck under the floor, before the minigame. My empire was slowly collapsing. As you can see Diary, nobody was really trying for the minigames. We were all too busy beating on each other, adrenaline pumping throughout our bodies. Now we each had 1 life left. All or nothing, a smash ball appearing above Peach. She kicked it, then it flew to Yoshi who ground-pounded it. Finally, it flew to me and I karate chopped it. It was mine, all mine! So I went straight to the middle of the stage and started my awesome dance. When I finished, I was gonna knock them all down. I was on my way to get Mario before he rolled out, because he was the closest one to the edge. As soon as I got near him, a bomb fell right on top of me, killing me.

_Really?_ I started sobbing as soon as I got to the spectators' box. Daisy had just got there, late as always. But she cheered me up and we both rooted for Peach. And who won? Peach.

There it is! The 2nd chapter of my story is done! Please review! Oh and thanks again to all those that reviewed or favorite this or any other story. You are very appreciated!


	3. Mario's Messup

Epic Mario Fails

Chapter 3- Really Comet, Really

Okay everybody, here I am with the next chapter of my story Epic Mario fails! Argh, I couldn't update earlier because my compooter decided it would break… literally, like a screw or something came loose and we're waiting for new hinges. But the story isn't for me; it's for the readers, so here is my 1st request of an Epic Mario Fail (asked by LuigiWife1551). THANKS! To you and all who have reviewed, read, favorited, or PM'd (?) me or my story! (Scrappy-Fan92, Bookwormvideogamer13, NRG99, AaylaKit, epicyoshi39000, hypherlutz21, Casamora, and Future Fantasy Writer; If I missed anyone please tell me, I won't know otherwise.)

You guys (everyone who reads this story) are welcome to tell me your suggestions for a chapter, and it'll usually be used. (The only time it won't is if it's inappropriate or already has been written on.) Well, before someone strangles me over a very, very long author's note, here's the story.

Oh, by the way this is mostly Mario's POV.

Again. For at least the 10th time, the freakin' princess has been kidnapped. Only this time I have to rescue her far, far from the Mushroom Kingdom. Heck, even the Darklands are farther away than ever. Why? I, Mario, am in deep space this time… Well I have my Toad companions, the Toad Brigade, and my bro, Luigi. The Toad Brigade isn't much help at all, especially during their arguments.

_Flashback- from Green Toad's perspective_

"_Well, the great, magical, powerful, all-knowing, caring, heroic protector of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario has rescued us weak, pathetic, people who can't take care of ourselves. We are so thankful..." _ Red Toad began, loud enough for Mario to hear. Then, suddenly, he quieted so Mario couldn't hear. _"Not."_ I, along with the others snickered at that comment. "W_e need a powerful leader so we can take down Mario and his leadership. Then we will get all of the stars, please Rosalina, rescue Peach and Luigi, and of course, get all of the praise for doing so. So I, Red Toad-_

"_Get on with it," _snored Yellow Toad, cutting Red Toad's rant off.

"_I believe he means, WOULD YOU HURRY UP!" _I yelled.

"_I second that." _calmly stated Blue Toad.

"_I third it." _the usually quiet Purple Toad said.

"_Fine, if I finish will you 4 shut up!"_ nearly screamed Red Toad. That statement was replied with 3 'yesses' and 1 snore. _"Okay, now I promote myself as leader… Who's with me?_ After a long pause he started to get antsy. _"Well? Anyone? What makes you 4 think you're soooo much better than me? Huh? I didn't think so."_

This was true until…_ "Zzzzz, at least I'm not a fraidy-cat like you. Zzzz." _Yellow Toad, always the sleepy starter said.

"_Oh yeah! Says the lazy one."_ Blue Toad began. _"Here, in outer space, smarter is superior. I know how black holes go, where the galaxies are, and how to get there…"_

35 minutes later…

"_And that is why I, Blue Toad, should be picked as the leader."_

Everyone clapped, including me. Not because we agreed with his speech, but because it was finally over.

"_Umm… excuse me, but maybe we should share the power."_

In hindsight, that was probably the best idea but my greediness took over.

"_Yeah right, Purple Toad. You can't even speak in public. Blue Toad, a map is good enough to replace you, and as a plus, we don't have to listen to it blab on and on and on._

"_What makes you so much better than me!"_ they both eerily replied at once.

"_Well… for starters, the reasons I've already mentioned, and I am the one in charge of money, which makes the world go round."_

"_SILENCE!"_ Red Toad screamed. He had been trying to get our attention for, like, an hour. Well not really, but during most of our conversation he had. "_I can build, and we're not going anywhere without a builder, so you better pick me as the leader."_

So he blackmailed us into picking him as leader, even though the Yellow Toad wrote 'zzzzzzzz.' But we didn't work hard sooo… yeah.

_BACK TO TODAY- MARIO'S POV_

I don't know why, but the Toad Brigade stopped being helpful and energetic after a while. But Luigi helped me find stars I otherwise wouldn't had found. I had found nearly every star in the universe. All except one star from a comet of the Melty Molten Galaxy.

So I went to Rosalina to talk to her. I wanted to tell her that this was the last star I had to get before the Comet Observatory. Well… that didn't work out so well. 1st, she wasn't even where she usually was. Strange… then a bright idea came to my head (because I'm awesome like that!) and I decided to ask Polari where I could find her.

"Well Mister Mario, I can currently inform you that my mommy is asleep in the bedroom."

I almost snickered at the word 'mommy.' I mean, c'mon, it didn't even fit with that sentence; at all. Well I didn't, thanked him and scurried off to the bedroom. I walked in, just as she was getting up, her blue bunny slippers sliding against the hardwood floor. So I just walked up to her and told her she should go to bed. I wanted to try something… (nothing bad you pervs… you know who you are…)

After about 15 minutes I was sure she asleep, so I jumped on her, y'know to see if her forcefield was up. But it was stronger than usual and I seriously, like broke through the ceiling. Of course she woke up right then and was utterly shocked. Well… not at the exact moment.

"Huh? What happened?" Rosalina groggily asked to nobody in particular. "Mte, mte. (like that weird popping sound you make when you first get up) Oh just a hole in the roof… A HOLE IN THE ROOF! WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE!" She was obviously awake, and very, very mad.

From my viewpoint in the sky, I saw Polari glide into her room. Then, I heard a girly shriek, and I knew it wasn't Rose's. "POLARI, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!"

"Your majesty," he said, knowing not to call her 'mommy' while she's mad, lest she break down in tears. "I don't know who could've done such a thing,-"

"Well," her voice softening up, although she had just cut him off. "Did you know of anyone who was in my quarters? I know someone was there, I was just too tired to remember much of anything."

"Mario."

"Huh, I didn't quite catch that. Speak up."

"Mario was in there."

"Mario? You sure?"

"Absopositivelylutely!"

"Hmmm, okay. That'll be all. Now whatever you do, please do not enter this room."

"Yes ma'am, I'll keep all the others out as well."

"Thanks, Polari, I knew I could always count on you."

"Aww, you're welcome! I shall be off."

Waiting for about 10 seconds to make sure that he, and all other Lumas were gone, she flew into a fit of rage. "MARIO! WHEN YOU COME DOWN, YOU WILL EXPLAIN YOURSELF. Wait, I can't even wait that long."

She grabbed her wand, waved it around her head, pointed it at me, and threw me at the ground. Yeah, yeah, I lost a point of health, but it doesn't really matter. Well, at least to her… Sooo, here I am, cowering in fear from the Princess of the Universe. Then, I looked around, deciding that there was nowhere to go. Then I, being the hero of awesomess, calmly answered her question.

"NONONONONONONONONONONONO! DON'T KILL ME! I PROMISE THAT I WON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE WRONG! I JUST WANTED TO SEE IF YOUR FORCEFIELD WORKED AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN-"

"STOP, just go, don't do it again, 'kay."

"Yes'm." Then I ran off, fearful for my very life. In fact, I ran straight to the Melty Molten Galaxy. I didn't even have to use a Launch Star, I was so scared. So off I went, to my least favorite galaxy, and my least favorite mission to boot.

"Melty Molten Galaxy, hunt for the purple coins."

"Huh, who's that? Who are you scary voice?"

"Umm I am from beyond the screen, beyond the screen…"

Weird… anyway, here I am. I only have 1 piece of health, but I have 40 lives, so no problem there.

So, as I stepped onto the planet, I felt something was up. Immediately, I got hit in the face with a meteorite. 39 lives… Then I expertly avoided the 1st one (Though in reality, it was more like 'I fell flat on my face right before the meteorite would've hit me,' but that doesn't matter.), but got pelted in the face with another.

*10 lives later*

Gosh darn it! I just got burned… again! Then, I finally made it outta the volcano. I missed the planet! HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN!

Well, this kept on and on and on and on until I had 1 life left… "It's a me Mario!" I stupidly shouted before using the defunct Launch Star again. I then lost my last life, shoulda told Rose.

When I got back to the Observatory, I sat down. Then I was immediately tazed by the Toads, who had gotten the star and rerescued Peach. Afterwards, Rosalina handed me a broom.

"Get to work, you owe me." She stated icily. Then she turned towards the Toads speaking loud enough for me to hear. "As for you 5, we have a marvelous feast planned out for you. It is truly magnificent! Peachy prepared it!"

My eyes lit up at the mention. But were crushed when Rosalina turned on her heel and said, "You may not go until you plunge the toilet, get the kitchen utensils out, collect the mushrooms play tag with the Lumas, make the beds, water the flowers-

*45 minutes later*

"and lastly, fix that roof that you so decided to break. You may come after you're done, but I doubt you'd be able to go… too tired."

"Mama Mia…"

Dear readers, I don't believe I'll make another chapter of Happy Holidays. Not even the Valentine's Day one… I will if I get more than 5 people saying I should, though. It's just that, I don't even have the story started, so it'll be super late, at least 2 weeks. I'll give ya'll a week to choose your decision.

Oh! By the way, to replace that, I'll make one that'll be updated like this one. It'll be about the Mario characters making fun of different sayings, objects, commercials, etc. All the ones I've seen only made it to, like, 2 chapters, but mine will go further!


	4. The Mowz and the Koops

Epic Mario Fails Chapter 4

Paper Mario: The Legend of the Shadow Thief

**Hello fellow readers and writers of Fanfiction! I am so glad you guys like my stories so much! Well that's what I think soo…. Anyway this is another request, this time by EPICYOSHI39000 (Who also reviewed my last story. By the way, I can't wait for you to get an account!), who asked for 2 Paper Mario fails. Sooo… I'm gonna put both of them together in 1 story. **

Oh, and thanks to everyone who reviewed or favorited. I would say something and thank you all, but… I kinda lost my reviews… Please don't kill me *gets shot*. Well, I deserve it… but if you review and/ or favorite this story, I definitely will thank you :D

Mrs. Mowz's POV

It all started, well for me anyway, on a bright Saturday morning in Rogueport's west side. Yes, I'm rich enough to live there (duh, I hunt and sell treasure, well more like badges, for a living). Anyways… I woke up, the sun shining ever so slightly through my curtains, glinting off the mirrors, and straight off my face. _Ahh, _I thought, _another day, another dollar _(Well, coin, but that doesn't matter…)_, or at least a rare badge. _

So me being, well me, I flipped out of bed and jumped out of my window. _Need to keep my stealth for later, huh?_ Well… I jumped from my home and walked into the main plaza of Rogueport. That's where I saw **him**, that hunk of a man. I wanted to meet him, but not in this pig sty of a town, that'd almost certainly make an awful impression on me. He was definitely an out-of-towner, his red hat and shirt perfectly accenting his blue overalls. He was the ultimate pinnacle of dreaminess.

So I followed behind him, always lurking in the shadows, always paying attention to clues for where he's going. Then I discovered that he was looking for a treasure, The Crystal Stars, starting in Petal Meadows. And what's the best place near Petal Meadows to look for treasure? Hooktail Castle, of course.

_**Koops' POV**_

Today was like any other day for me. I woke up, ever so early, having cried myself to sleep, with Koopie Koo watching. She kinda babies me, but I don't really care. In fact, I actually enjoy the babying I'm given. It reminds me of my long-lost dad, well before he went off on his 'adventure.' So here I am, another day without a mother, father, or relatives that care.

Then I realized something I've been doing for the past 10 years. I've been wallowing in self-pity for all this time. I decided I need to go beat Hooktail, with someone else of course. Then, I walked outside to tell Koopie Koo what I intended to do. I wanted, no needed, bravery. For myself, and Koopie Koo (possibly our future children one day too…), and I need to find my dad. But, on the way to her, I heard rumors of a man looking for something called the Crystal Stars. _Sound cool,_ I thought. _Actually, it sounds like… an adventure! I need to go see him._

But, when I told Koopie Koo, she just kind of shrugged me off. She didn't believe me, I knew it. _Well I'll show her, and everyone else who believes that Koops Koopa _(Author's Note: Sorry, couldn't think of a better name…) _is a wimp. Plus, I have this strange feeling that this is all somehow connected to the disappearance of my dad._

So I walked up to the visitors and and… ran away. My stupid shyness got the better of me. Plus, I made a fool out of myself, earning a weird look from the Goomba girl that looked she was obsessively stalking him. Maybe they were partners (?), but I don't really know. So I stayed outside, hoping for a chance to talk to them again. Well… they came, and I heard rumors of Hooktail Castle following soon after. _Soooo…_ I thought._ It's now or never. Here I go. I'm going. Still going… still going. Okay, I really need to get a move on. They are going to be there by the time I get anywhere near. GO!_

Yeah, it was sad, yelling at myself, but it worked, and I soon became partners with Mario. Not before getting a what-for by Koopie Koo.

_Meanwhile…_

_Mrs. Mowz's POV_

_Sooo… Hooktail Castle, hmmm. I think I shall be following you, my sweet hunk of cheese. Well, I was already going there, sooooo… whatever, I'm still following him there. _So off I went, towards Hooktail Castle, with a badge and a hint as my cover-up story. But 1st, I need to find the badge room.

_Back to Koops_

_Koops' POV_

I was panting, sweating, coughing, sneezing, wheezing, and being miserable. And we hadn't even gotten past the 1st room with enemies. Well, I did have all my health, I just had absopositivelutely drained of all the stamina I thought I had. Then I saw a Dry Bones with blue shoes.

_Well then, blue shoes are pretty rare. I mean, what Koopa in his right mind would wear such a thing? Can someone say hideous? _But then, I remembered something, and realized that my dad wore blue shoes. So I convinced Mario to read the note, then realized it was some old weird guy named Kolorado. I thought I saw Mario's eyes water before he nodded that we should go.

So we went up the castle, and up, and up, and up, then down, then back up, then got cursed, went backwards, and somehow randomly appeared in a room of badges. Of course Goombella was out too. That's when I saw her…

_Mrs. Mowz's POV_

"There you are, you charming, masculine, Cheez-it, you."

Then some strange Koopa interrupted me, "Cheez-it, really? How… originaaaal."

"You know what, shut the front door."

Goombella interrupted, yelling "HE WILL NOT, FLOOZY!"

That really, hurt. Badly… So I picked up and left, but not before giving my Cheese Nip a quick peck. I made a vow to join that team, and join I did.

**Sorry I was late you guys! I have a trip to San Antonio, so I didn't have much time to write. I will update Happy Holidays sometime next week, for my *coughcoughlatecoughcough* Valentine's Day special! Then I will do my other story, in a cycle of sorts. **

**Well thanks for reading! Please review! **

**Oh, sorry it was a bit short, I'll write more next update! :D **


	5. Interviewing A Princess

_**Epic Mario Fails**_

_**Chapter 5**_

_**Why, Peach, Why?**_

_As always, the 1st order of business is to thank my reviewers, along with the people who favorited my story, or me, while reading this._

_OldRivalShipper- Thank you! Personally, I liked the first 3 better, so I tried really hard to make this come together. But, it is always appreciated, and I'm glad to know I did something right. I thought **I** was the one that failed. Thanks!_

_EPICYOSHI39000- Cool! And thank you for your continued support._

_Guest-Heh, heh, well, now that school's about to start I (ironically) have more free time. _

_Luigisgirlfriend- It's (finally) here!_

_AaylaKit- I understand completely. _

_FaroreGrimm- Well, it kinda sucked, so I have to redo it soon. Thanks, though!_

_Thanks to all of you for your continued, or new, support! It's sad... I actually can't remember when I last updated this. Yeah... Anyway, please review and favorite/follow! I'll actually update on a decent schedule. Also, all ideas will be used in the order they were submitted. Unless an idea pops into my head and I have extreme motivation for it, AaylaKit's idea will be next, followed by Scrappy-Fan92, then the 2 from OldRivalShipper. Not in the same chapter, of course._

_Also, thanks to Redafromidget, for beta-ing, and Fezzes64, for making sure this story made sense. Well, actually, thank you both for doing both. :)_

_Anyway, this has been in my head for quite a while, sooooo... The '...' is a POV change, I had it right, but the file was being odd...The reporter is a Toad._

_..._

It was an average, beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom when I wrote this. The sky was blue, the birds were chirping, the hills with eyes were staring at YOU, princesses were getting kidnapped by mutant, giant, koopa-turtle-dragon things, and Princess Daisy, of the neighboring kingdom, was shouting her name to passerby. A beautiful day, indeed.

Huh? What do you say? Getting kidnapped by evil koopa-turtle-dragon things named Bowser is not normal? Oh. Oops.

Well, we here at the Toad Town Times and the Koopa Kronicle are devoted to giving you the best possible coverage of all events. Broadcasted and published all over the Mushroom Kingdom, the Darklands, and Sarasaland, we have the largest consumer base in the Mushroom World. I am excited for this issue, Issue 531, because we are expanding into certain areas on Earth.

Today, our main story is an interview on the fair Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach Toadstool. As odd a name as that may be, she is a wonderful ruler... When she's not kidnapped. In all honesty, I don't see why the other residents of the Mushroom Kingdom and Sarasaland flip out every time she's kidnapped. When Daisy is kidnapped, I can see why you would be scared. But Peach is kidnapped every Thursday!

Anyway, enough of my rambling. As I said, we have an interview to attend to.

...We still have some time... Well... This is awkward... Why am I still writing? ...How did I get this job? Am I going crazy? Who am I? Oh, yes, I am the unpaid author of this newspaper. Trust me, I own nothing. Well, other than the Toad Town Times... But I won't take any money this year. Why am I telling you this?

Anyway, I don't see why this interview can't be done indoors. I mean, seriously? It's thundering outside! At least Peach was kind enough to meet under a patio or something, but that doesn't solve the fact that the temperature is 100 degrees. Fahrenheit. Not Celsius. But, it's still hot.

It's times like these I appreciate the fact that I can write this stuff. In some countries (CoughcoughDarklandscoughcoug h), you can only praise the leader, with no conditions. But seriously, I love our kingdom and our Princess. And it's lunchtime. I'm huuuuuuungryyyyyyyy. My God, I can't believe I wrote that. Maybe I shouldn't have put My God, either.

I also can't believe that I'm singing to Ke$ha... And I'm playing a 'video game' based on humans. I mean, where do they get these ideas, anyway?

Oh, here she comes! THANK GOD... I mean, THANK...S? I'm terrible at this... I was beginning to run out of things to say...Write, I mean.

It started raining a few minutes ago, so the Princess brought her trusty pink umbrella. Perry turned into a real boy, so she bought that. It's very pretty, actually. The umbrella is pink on the edges, with a white flower in the middle. The flower is fairly large, but not large enough to cover the umbrella. Well, actually parasol, but what's the difference?

And, as you all know, she usually wears her trusty pink dress. Not today! Well, it is a dress... And the dress is pink. But, it's not the same dress she usually wears. She wore a nice pink dress, the one she wore when she won Brawl for our beloved country. Yeah. She won Brawl...

As she was approaching, I maaaaay have spilled my Coke. All over myself. What a way to make a first impression, right? Anyway, it was not because she was absolutely gorgeous and I was smitten with her. Nope, not at all.

She sat down, hair billowing in the breeze. Hair as bright as the sun, gold as ripe (?) wheat. Oh my, it was... Awesome. Just... Awesome.

She snapped her dainty fingers in front of me. Apparently, I had fallen into a trance. A trance caused by her undeniable beauty. I looked at my wristwatch, finding that 10 minutes had passed since she sat... Oops.

"Be professional," I mumbled to myself. We couldn't have that happen again. But, if I looked at her too long, I'd be liable to faint. Yay. No wonder everybody said I was awkward around girls. I thought I had passed that awkward high school phase, but nooooo, that'd be too easy.

Seriously! Okay, I need to ask her the questions. I glanced down to my notes, reading the first question. It read, 'Princess vs. Bowser.' Obviously, that meant why Peach never fought off Bowser. Seriously, she is so strong, yet never fights. Does she enjoy being rescued? OH, I need to write that down.

...

I watched as my interviewer scribbled something on a sheet of paper. He mumbled something unintelligible under his breath, along the lines of "Hot!" My, it certainly was hot outside, but I do wonder why he was staring at me. Hmmmm...

That's beside the point, though. Toad Town Broadcasting Corporation had sent their best and brightest reporter... Which just so happened to be the world-famous owner. Wow. But, I'm beginning to think he just wanted to meet me, like everybody, it seems. I rolled my eyes.

Then, just when he looked like he was about to ask me a question, he scribbled something else down. Once again, I rolled my eyes. This guy really needed to get his act together. But, I decided to wait, being the nice person I am. I need to keep up my act, even if Toadsworth insisted I go out. It was raining! I would had, if it hadn't been raining.

A smile broke onto my face. This young adult had never done anything to me. Ah, oh well, he didn't notice anyway... May as well apologize, though.

"Excuse me?"

...

Oh my. I really must get my act together. I was mentally preparing to ask her the question, when suddenly, she spoke up.

"Excuse me?" She asked me a question, speaking for the first time. Her voice was like an angel's; Soft, sweet, and charming and every sense of the word. A voice, so beautiful, it could make angels fall from the heavens. Yet, she could be a pop star, with her ability to manipulate it. Also, though her voice was sweet, it carried a sense of authority, in a caring way.

"Yes," I replied, looking up from my notes. Yes, I was writing all of this down. All of it. Every sickeningly sweet detail.

"I sincerely apologize for rolling my eyes at you. That was not very ladylike." She was... Well... Sincere. How else can I describe it?

"It's quite alright," I replied. "But," my tone darkened, "I will have to punish you-" I was just joking, of course, but obviously, she didn't get it, as she cut me off.  
>...<p>

"P-p-punish me?" My stars, that frightened me. Of, course, I would never admit it... Though the tone in my voice, along with my stuttering _did_ kind of give it away. Oops.

"Oh, of course not, Princess. I was going to finish my sentence... Like most people do?"

"Oops, I'm so very sorry." Boy, I am out of it...

I waited for a minute. His top teeth were jutting downward, biting his bottom lip. Though, I digress, I have no idea why. It was like he was waiting to say something... Ah! That was it.

"Very well," I politely stated. I got a blank face in return. "Go ahead with what you were saying."

His face noticeably brightened, as soon as I said that. He obviously wanted to finish his sentence... Like most people. I feel bad still...

I was snapped out of my thoughts when he began speaking again. "As I was saying," he began. "I will have to punish you... By giving you more questions!" We both shared a laugh at that, the tense atmosphere eroding.

He began, the camera beginning to turn red, signaling it was on. "So, everybody knows you're the most powerful monarch in our world." I nodded. "What is your full title, again?"

I stretched a small amount before replying. "My full title is Her Royal Highness, Princess Peach Toadstool VII. An acronym for it is HRHPPTTS. I don't know why it says the 7th, as nobody in my family was ever a Peach Toadstool. But, I also don't know why acronym or abbreviation are such long words." We shared a hearty chuckle. Honestly, this was pretty easy.

...

That was a simple question. After many others, which the author did not feel like writing down due to pure laziness, there came the big question.

"Soooo, Princess, how often have you been kidnapped?" It was a lead-up to the BIG question.

She fidgeted, but, she answered truthfully. "As of yesterday's recent kidnapping, I have been kidnapped 172.5 times."

"What?" I asked, astounded.

"Long story short; E. Gadd, personality split, two of me, and Bowser kidnapped the not-so-nice side. He didn't like it." She looked incredibly worn out at that statement, as if reliving that moment. Must've been rough...

I began again. "Sooooo... Why don't you beat Bowser off? Do you like being kidnapped and having to be rescued?"

She stared, shocked, dumbfounded. "Noooooo, I don't like violence, when the person I use it against will actually be hurt, unlike in the Smash Bros. Universe, where everything will be alright, no matter what we do. And what person in their right mind would like being kidnapped? Not me..."

Well, that successfully ended the interview.

"Good night, and thank you for reading... Or watching!

_**This chapter was a little shorter than what I was going for, but oh well. Thanks for reading, and please review. Thanks! I'll update something else soon!**_


	6. Perry the Parakoopa

_**Hello, it is I, Luigified! And... I'm back? Sorry, no excuses, I just had a bad case of the block, and everything I wrote sucked. That's not an excuse, though...**_

_**ANYway, I think I'm going to get to 10 chapters with my 2 humor stories, then make a part 2, also with 10 chapters, etc. **_

_**But, thanks for your continued support! I appreciate it! **_

_**Thanks go especially to BlueSeven123, Dimentio's Epic Girlfriend, and Old Rival Shipper, for reviewing, favoriting, and/or following any of my stories.**_

_**Thanks to bekbekah92,BlueSeven123, Dimentio's Epic Girlfriend, Spirit of Chaos, and crazy cyborg 225 for favoriting and/or following me. :D**_

_**P.S. Thank you all! We have more that 1,500 views!**_

_**NOW, TO STORY!**_

_**Epic Mario Fails, Chapter 6**_

_**Here's a hint: The guy-**_

Assuming you still want to read this, it was a beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Clouds with happy faces were... happy, the sun wasn't angry, the sky was a beautiful blue, and plumbers were trying to find a kidnapped princess. An average day in the Mushroom Kingdom indeed...

Of course, in the Darklands, everyone was preparing for the imminent invasion. It's kind of sad, actually, how two humans with occasional superpowers can beat an army of monsters... But, that wasn't in the mind of the loyal servants of Bowser. Nope, they were thinking about how if they could beat Mario, or heck, even Luigi, Bowser would give them a grand feast.

Contrary to what some may believe, all of Bowser's minions who don't live in the castle live in Neo Bowser City. It's actually very close to Bowser's Castle, but the camera always pans too far to the right. If you've ever seen something bright, off to the left of the Castle, it would be Neo Bowser City. No? You haven't seen it? It's there...

Anyway, we go to Perry, an average parakoopa. When he wasn't working to stop Mario from rescuing the princess, he was a fry cook at the Koopa Krown Diner. Quite frankly, he didn't really care about the frequent kidnappings of the princess of the neighboring kingdom. He actually wished she wouldn't be kidnapped, he got paid way more at the diner. Plus, it was more enjoyable... Cooking, not bouncing and/or flying aimlessly. But, if he's forced to do it, he might as well try his hardest, so he can get that feast! (He's heard it's enormous!)

Buuuuut... Whatevs. Y'know, chill bro. Just go with the flow. Unless you're Bowser or Mario. Like, for real, all over one girl? Why don't they just share her or something? Two weeks at the Mushroom Kingdom, one at Bowser's Castle. I mean, is it really _that_ difficult? I think not.

That's aside from the point though. See, it all started the day before the day before the day before the day before the day after the day before tomorrow. If that confuses you, it was !*#&)(#*&^^. Basically, Thursday. On the 4th week of the 7th month of the 6189309939th year... Of Peach's reign in the Mushroom Kingdom. See, they used MK dates because Bowser's infatuation with her was so strong, he aligned the Koopa calendar and the Toadstool calendar

Did you get all that? Well, if you didn't... Then... I can't help you. But it all-

(…...Y U INTERRUPT ME!?...How's your day been?)

Anyway... Before I was so _rudely_ interrupted, I was trying to begin our tale of... Not terror, woe, or any of that crap, but one of mischief and comedy.

It was a warm, sunny, Sunday in the Koopa Kingdom. The Diner was at its busiest in weeks, and, did I mention, there were no jerks there! Shocking! Did I say Sunday? I meant Thursday. But that doesn't really matter, though, anyway. It's not like it would matter anyway. Oh wait, it would, since wars can't be declared on Sunday. Or Saturday. You'd have to either do it on Friday or wait until Monday.

What was I getting at? I don't know... This story is pretty much a bunch of sugar-laced crack anyway, so any flaw in storytelling won't matter, will it? OH YEAH!

See, Perry had just been promoted to Castle status, which meant that he got to be one of those annoying Koopatrol things. God, I hate them. He didn't expect to have to go to the Castle _right after he got off of work._ He didn't even get to spend all that money he accumulated over the day. Heck, he didn't even get to play CoD: Modern Warfare 27 or New New Ultra Super New Super Mario Bros. 5. See, those little Americans and Japanese guys got their games LATE. Peach had the entire world copyrighted. See, the MK was actually quite poor before- yeah... That's another story for another time. REMEMBER THIS.

Anyway, our protagonist (but everyone else's antagonist) was walking home from work, when Bowser made an announcement over all of the wonderful TVs, which just so happened to be in places where you just couldn't ignore them. Like, they move _right in front of your face, and the volume is cranked up they know they got the point across. _

A smirking Bowser appeared on the screen. He tapped the mic, asking if it was on. "Ahhhh, ahem. Today we are invading the Mushroom Kingdom once and for all... NO! I DID NOT SAY THOSE EXACT WORDS BEFORE SUPER MARIO GALAXY 5! ...THAT'S IT. OFF TO THE DUNGEON WITH YOU. Ah, yes. We are preparing to invade them. In one second you better be at battle position, or you will be sent off to the dungeon, as well."

_(This probably took you a bit longer than a second... Well, the dungeon is over there →)_

Either A.) you are a very fast reader B.) you are in the dungeon... But then you wouldn't be reading this... Unless you have something reading to you... Or C.) You are a dirty, filthy liar who deserves to be in the dungeon. I believe the _vast _majority of you are under C. But, you know, I fall under that category, too, so I'll let you guys off. Just this once.

_(I know reading all that crap took longer than a second. You could be getting into your position now... Or going into my dungeon. Your choice.) _

Perry actually used his amazing powers of superb teleportation, otherwise known as walking, to get to his position. Flying takes a bit to prepare. When he made it to the castle, he abruptly learned that the idiot that was arguing with (King) Bowser was actually Kamek.

_**(I CAN MAKE CHARACTERS OOC IF I WANT! As you will see later XD) **_

_(Disregard that.)_

_**(Shutup.) **_

_(No.)_

_**(OH MY JEZEEPERS, JUST GO ON.)**_

Anyway, aside from that retardness, Kamek, the caretaker of the Koopalings, had just argued with Bowser. On national television. Needless to say, not only did he get sent to the dungeon, but, some pretty nasty things happened. As this story is rated K... Or is it K+? It's sad I don't remember the rating for my story...

Anyway, as this story is basically E for everyone, I cannot explicitly mention all the gruesome, horrible details involved. It was... Absolutely terrible, to say the least. But, I can say, it involved gummy bears, Frosty the Snowman, rainbows, unicorns, and, most deadly of all, Pillow Pets. They truly are secretly evil.

Perry was the first person Bowser saw when he came back from the horrid dungeon, which coincidentally served as Princess Peach's room. For some reason, she actually_ liked _those dreadful things. Maybe she likes what we don't and vice versa?

_Eh, I get paid to work, not think, _he thought. What a glaring contradiction. God, Perry's such a hypocrit. Stupid Perry.

Anyway, when Bowser spotted Perry standing at attention, resolute in his defense of that gray wall between the two lava pits, he immediately called him over.

"Hey, you!" He called, pointing to Perry. When Perry pointed to himself, Bowser responded with an ever so kind, "Yes you, ugly!"

Perry was as scared as could be. But, if he shook or trembled, Bowser would see. Wouldn't that be embarrassing? I mean, armor just a-clanking. It would be sooo terrible. So, even though he was about to soil himself, he responded with a clear and confident, "Yes, King Bowser? Your Dreadfulness requested my presence?"

"Yes, minion. Watch my children. NOW!"

"Yes, your Terribleness." he replied, walking off, into the room.

After about 25 minutes of watching the children be idiots, trying to stand up to Mario alone, Mario appeared in the room. It was him and Mario... Just the 2 of them.

"Heyyyy Mario. Do you want to-"

And then he was kicked in his armored stomach, sending him onto his back. The armor was ripped off, and he was burnt. But, to add insult to injury, he was, wait for this..._ robbed!_ His whole life savings, two gold coins, were stolen, in one fell swoop! Then, his clothes were stolen, and kicked at the others! In fact, it apparently helped defeat Bowser himself!. It was not a pretty day.

(Today)

Perry was reclining on a, well recliner. What else would he be reclining on? A sofa? LOL, NO.

His psychiatrist was of the chair, trying to comfort the crying Perry.

"Go on-"

"And then he, and then he-"

_**THE END**_

_**(By the way, the end was 'left me.'**_

_**THE ACTUAL END**_

_**Welp, bye!**_


End file.
